For Allan

“..or even those who don't want to be a part anymore of this truly unique yet often misunderstood entity called candyaudioline...”

Dear Allan,

I did not say, and neither did I imply, that I no longer want to become a part of Candyaudioline. As I texted you a few days ago: it was YOUR DECISION, YOU SUGGESTED IT and I merely agreed to the decision that YOU ALREADY MADE.

As much as I didn’t want to bring this issue out in the open, it was you who already brought it up by stating such a line (quoted above) and I feel that it is only right for me to correct the false statement that was obviously directed at me. Whatever “petty and irrational” reason there is behind all this, I didn’t find it fair for you to twist the facts so hastily just so all the blame can only be put on my head.

“..that he/she is willing to play without expecting any fame or fortune from this very noble deed”

Who was expecting fame or fortune from the band? You know, if this is the only thing that I ever wanted from the band, I should have never accepted your invitation four years ago (or is it 5 already?), in the first place. Furthermore, I shouldn’t have wasted my effort in putting up with you for the past years; I shouldn’t have pushed myself to learn the basslines to the songs and to do so much better with my skills just to please you; I shouldn’t have persistently searched for a new singer, one after another, just so Candyaudioline could continue to play; I shouldn’t have welcomed the idea of opening up my mind a bit more just so I could appreciate shoegaze music and the music that we play…

Sure, I had my share of faults in the past years (as a bandmate and as a friend) and I don’t deny them. I am aware that there had been many times when I can be so stubborn about numerous “petty and irrational things” and carelessly affect the band; I am aware that I can be so childish when it comes to my decisions and my actions in public (and you have always hated that); I am aware that I oftentimes become too criticizing of the band.

The last time I texted you, you replied, “Bakit ko nga ba sina-gest yun. Isipin mo mabuti yung mga pinagsasabi mo nung gabing yun. Lasing ka man o hindi, ganun lagi ang opinion mo sa banda. Laging negative.” You tell me who, among our members, hasn’t uttered a “negative line” about us? We have all been criticizing ourselves all these years—precisely why we have never released the EP/LP that we’ve recorded THRICE.

Why not try listening to yourself everytime you talk? May it be about other bands or our band? You too, always have something “negative” to say—even to some of those who are part of the PRESENT Buzznite bands. Hindi na nga lang kami pumapalag sayo.

On my part, even if I do have some negative sentiments about our band, I also have my share of praises. Apparently, you only remember the criticisms.

I do tell you if I think that we played really well at a gig. I share stories about positive things that I hear about us. I’ve posted entries (here and on my blog) that show how proud I am to be a part of Candyaudioline. Ask Selena whenever I talk about our gigs when we are at the gym. Or better yet, why don’t you ask Kelvin about what I was telling him about candyaudioline and about YOU minutes before you arrived at Conspiracy that night when you told me to leave the band.

“last and most important of all... dapat FRIEND...”

I only cared to be criticizing towards us because I didn’t want us to remain stagnant. Having played for several other bands from different scenes, I can’t help but sometimes compare and consequently think about how much deserving we are to be exposed to other gigs other than where we usually play. I tell you negative comments because I thought that as a bandmate, it’s only okay for me to tell you my OPINIONS about our situation and my OPINIONS on what should be done (may they be applicable to us or not). I thought that as a friend, I should be honest about things such as this. All this time, mali pala ako.

It’s been 4 or 5 years that I’ve been with candyaudioline… You are very much familiar with how I express myself. You knew I’d say something the last time I was with you and Kelvin. You knew me very well. When you asked me why I still play with Candyaudioline, I replied that, (despite my negative sentiments) it’s because my loyalty has been with our band and that I see “us” not only as a band but as close friends. You only made faces when I gave you that answer.

You were sober that night, you should have remembered. It’s beyond my control if you choose to ignore. Perhaps, you were just waiting for an opportunity to kick me out of the band.

Whatever your reasons were, I just wish that you could have been more honest when you wanted the readers of this blog to know about you, “doing a rotation of willing friends sessioning for members of the band who… don't want to be a part anymore of this truly unique yet often misunderstood entity called candyaudioline.”

Sincerely,
Ayn