ranty-rant-rant-rant

The other night, I sang for Soft Pillow Kisses at Altered Native in Fairview. I hate singing at that venue (but it's a good place to listen to music while hanging out with friends, and the staff is nice). They have a deceptive sound system there. The monitors make you think you're singing at a good level when in fact you can't be heard from the rear of the restaurant. Sure enough, when Allan sang that first song alone, I barely heard him from where I was standing. And when I approached the stage, I suddenly realized that Lara was singing, too! Shit. I knew I was going to have a tough time. I was pissed and I sang as if I was pissed (imagine Soft Pillow Kisses on steroids). It was crappy, but passable, I guess. Allan described it later as me "declaiming", enunciating words, but mechanically doing so.

Allan and I hung out by the door outside and Moonstar88 finally finished their set. These three heavyset men burst out of the bar and one of them had a sour look on his face as he said passionately, "Yung una---" He froze when he saw the two of us looking at him. He and his friends walked away and he mumbled the rest of his comment. Allan and I burst out laughing.

"Ano kaya yung sasabihin niya dapat?"

"Ano pa? Eh di pangit!" I laughed.

It was funny, and I don't begrudge that guy's feelings about the performance. I really wasn't into it that night. I'm just bothered how I'm easily affected by extraneous variables during a gig while we're performing. Like that time I got pissed at some Wuds fans because they were heckling us. I sang as if pissed that night, too. Why can't I just have grace under fire like Allan can?

I'm getting rusty. I wish we could practice. I'm not used to singing anymore. Last performance was a wake-up call for me. I'm probably taking myself too seriously, as well. Who am I proving myself to? All I need are my bandmates' approval. As long as Allan thinks the way I sing his songs are fine, then it's ok. Everything else (a good performance) follows after that. I think I'm losing touch with the original deal.

But, to be honest, I think this onstage irritability is a symptom of some deeper psychological trouble I have. I always feel indignant at whatever negative comes my way, hence, the quick reactions. I just gotta chill or something. I think that practicing would help. Just having fun playing and stuff like that, like when we did that cover for "Today".

We were supposed to practice for Superminty tonight but Charles can't make it, I think, and Allan isn't feeling well, either.

I don't know. It's weird, isn't it? It is possible to get rusty, even when all you're doing is singing.