Cut Dead

"Cut Dead" is also a Jesus and Mary Chain song. It's not one of my all-time favorite songs (but what the heck) and it's up to you if you think this has something to do with this entry. This is my reaction to what Allan had posted:

The thing about my band started out with the plans to play for the Matilda EP launch tonight. Being one of the bands who had given much help and support for Matilda, we have been invited to play for their much awaited EP launch. Charms had invited the band through me over a month before the schedule. Since there had already been a definite schedule for the launching, I had informed my bandmates about the gig. Given the hectic schedule of my bandmates due to their work, I waited for their confirmation before I told Matilda that we can play for their event.

Two to three weeks before the gig, my bandmates had given me the confirmation. It was only then that I told Matilda that we can be lined-up. Everytime I see my bandmates, I always reminded them about the gig (not only in person but also through texts and my posts on our blog) and I have asked them over and over again (to the point of becoming annoying already) if they really are sure about playing for that gig. They had all been saying yes. And once again, at the last minute, they’ll take back their answer and tell me that they can’t play after all.

It would have been okay if I know that I wasn’t able to remind them enough; it would have been okay if they never gave me confirmation that we can play; it would have been okay if the "last minute decision" was made earlier; it would have been okay if this sudden change of decision only affects us and not another band that has spent countless nights of having no sleep just to plan for the event (they could have lined some other band up for this gig if they only knew that we can’t play); it would have been okay, if this isn’t the second time that this shite has happened.

I’m a bit bothered about Allan’s “never understand” (taken from a track off the Jesus and Mary Chain's The Complete John Peel Sessions album) post on our blog. I’m not really sure if I’m the one he’s pertaining to in his post--but if that was all about me, I guess I’d have to say that the feeling is mutual.

The only reason why I am making such a big deal out of my being pissed at this whole thing is because I care for my band. I care so much for my band that I’ve never really been able to study for school in favor of gigs and practices; I care so much for my band that I've missed so many family gatherings and dinners (including my father's birthday) in favor of gigs and practices; I care so much for my band that there had been countless nights when I wasn't able to sleep beside my daughter and consequently not spend the day with her because I had to catch up with my sleep during the day in favor of gigs and practices; and lastly, I care so much for my band that I've been trying to get us gigs or have been welcoming invitations from other events (instead of pre-occupying myself with better things) so as we can get more exposure that we deserve. I actually do think that we are worth more than just a Backbeat/Montero-Tan organized gig. My concern for the band is neither petty nor irrational.

I share the same passion that my bandmates have (or whatever passion is left in them) for our band. It just so happens that aside from playing bass, this is the only contribution that I can offer. If my concern and my willingness to contribute is something that these people will only brush aside or look down upon, to the point that they think their indecisions shouldn’t really matter because this is nothing but a sorry show of pettiness and irrationality, I guess I can’t help but think that my being a part of this band all boils down to nothing, that I am just a mere puppet (and perhaps even a mascot) and I was never a part of a team who should be working together for a common goal.

Besides, is there really a common goal amongst us members of Caudioline? Or have we been pretending that there is one since early last year?

Nothing new has been happening with the band. We’ve been stagnant for almost two years. The only thing that we’ve achieved so far is having a permanent line up since early last year. We may have recorded something, but it was only in vain. Nobody took the recording seriously-not even the recording technician/engineer (or whatever you may call Mr. Rozul) himself. We’ve never come up with a new song since Selena came in. For the past year, we were just satisfied with hearing good comments from people. That was enough to make us feel good about ourselves. That was enough for us to consider being stuck in an illusion that something must be happening with our band. Now… THAT, I think, is what one may call petty and irrational. Is it so wrong for me to act and do something to save whatever is left with this so-called band?

But what can I do? I’m just a small part of the band anyway. I never wanted to get sick of what has been happening with my band, or with the band itself. But that’s what they’re making me feel. There are four of them and I’m just one person. None of them will ever listen to me. So much for wanting to be of help.

I never wanted to call it quits. But judging from the way they have been treating me and my sorry attempts in helping out, I guess that’s what they really want. There’s nothing I can do.

I, too, am sick and tired of not being given appreciation for whatever I'm trying to contribute (not that I'm asking for it, but not pointing a finger at me because of wanting to help could have been enough)--no matter how minute they may seem for my bandmates. I, too, am a very busy person even if it doesn't show. I also have other priorities: my family, my daughter, my schooling, and my preparation for my future and my daughter's future. Real soon, I'll be joining the real world too and will also have a career besides being a single mother (I have no siblings to count on once my parents are gone and a so-so job can never feed me and my daughter).

Oh well. THIS "band thing" cannot kill me as well. I also have better things to do and worry about.

This is pointless. They, too, will never understand.

Allan was right: It was fun, but only for a while.